My Love, You Are Cliche
by Monica121
Summary: This is a joint fic with myself and burnlikeacigarette. It is basically a parody of all overused DracoHermione cliches. Its funny! Read it!
1. A Random Kiss

Hey there. This is Emily and Monica. We've been wanting to write the following story for a while; a DM/HG fic addressing all the overused clichés of the relationship. Don't get us wrong; we LOVE the couple. We just hate the numbers of stories that use some of these. Not to say that we (we being only Monica) don't use some of these clichés every now and again. This is for pure enjoyment. Please don't flame us because you think we are making fun of you. We aren't. We're just having fun. (And, as Emily so helpfully points out, making fun of Monica).

Disclaimer: We don't own anything. Not the characters, or the locations, or especially the over-used plot points.

**Anything in bold, like this, is not an authors note, but a remark from us (again, not a note) pointing out some clichés that are a little less obvious, and not always used as often. **

So some of these things in this chapter are a little exaggerated from the normal cliché. But it's fun to read. So deal with it.

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_Dear Ms. Granger,_

_I am pleased to inform you that you have been made Head Girl for the upcoming school year. I'm sure this doesn't come as a shock to you, seeing as it is the most standard of plot points writers use these days. Enjoy your year. _

_Headmaster Dumbledore_

Hermione Granger read and reread her letter happily. This was the moment she had been dreaming about since she was five years old, even though she didn't know that Hogwarts even existed! She would finally get a room of her own! No more sharing with those two sluts, Lavender and Parvati!

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_Dear Mr. Malfoy, _

_I am pleased to inform you that you have been made Head Girl for the upcoming school year. I'm sure this doesn't come as a shock to you, seeing as it is the most standard of plot points writers use these days. Please do not think this odd at all, because you have suddenly become the second smartest in your year! _

_Headmaster Dumbledore_

**Hmmmm… Head Girl? Dumbledore got a little lazy while writing his letters, apparently…**

Draco Malfoy read his letter and began to tear up. You see, Draco had recently become very sensitive. He had even recently taken up the guitar to release his frustration over having been abused for most of his childhood.

He read the letter again. He couldn't for the life of him figure out exactly who the Head Girl would be. Who was the smartest girl in his class? Draco had no idea.

---

Hermione was staying at the Burrow this summer. Which ended up proving a little awkward, because she and Ron just broke up. It was very depressing for her, so she decided to make some big changes.

As in, Hermione was now a slut. Let's get straight to the point. She now had, as every single writer of Hermione/Draco stories likes to point out, 'curls that cascaded down her back.' She had also, as most noticed and wrote about, filled out in the right places. To say it in short, Hermione was a babe.

**Now, let's cut the crap, and get to the point where they meet up for the first time, because that's what everyone does. **

They were on the Hogwarts express right now. Everyone had been drooling over Hermione all day. She had just found out that her cousin would be visiting her from America! She was going to visit Hogwarts, because she -magically- had a magic cousin. Her cousin, as a thank you for letting her cousin stay with Hermione at Hogwarts, sent Hermione lots of make-up and a hot new wardrobe.

She first had to visit the Head Boy/ Head Girl compartment on the train, because, of course, there was one.

When she got there, she was shocked to see none other than Draco Malfoy, the bleach blonde babe.

_Wow, _Hermione thinks to herself. _He got hot. _

_Wow, _Draco thinks to himself. _She got hot. _

Both were in utter amazement. Draco even stoped to think, _she is so hot, she could be my answered prayer. She could help me work through all the emotional baggage I have from being beaten as a child. _

At the same time, Hermione had less articulate thoughts. _Oh, baby, I want to tap that. _

"I didn't expect to see you here Malfoy." Hermione managed to say, even with her rather inarticulate thoughts running through her head.

Draco gave his 'Mione**, as everyone has called her since forever apparently**, a look.

"I wrote you a song my love." Draco pulled out a rather large guitar out of thin air (and no, it wasn't magic) and began strumming skillfully. It is still unknown why he had a Muggle Fender Guitar.

**We made up the following lyrics, mainly because this is the point in the story when most would use a song from another artist. We don't want to get kicked off, and thought it would be funnier with our own cheesy lyrics. Enjoy!**

"It goes a little bit like this."

Draco began to sing in an excellent singing voice. Because, of course, he is an awesome singer. Didn't you know?

_Hermione, I love you,_

_Since the moment I saw your face_

_Your cascading curls _

_Were golden locks from Heaven_

_I don't care that you're a mudblood_

_I just love your sexy bod_

This is the part of the story where Draco goes crazy, and starts banging his head to the tune of the totally rocking song. His bleached hair is tossing in the wind, even though, you know, there is no wind.

_Hermione I LOVE YOU! _

_WON'T YOU BE MY VALENTINE!_

_JUST KISS ME! _

_DID I KISS YOU?_

_BECAUSE I WANT TO KISS YOU!_

_I HATE YOU! SO KISS ME!_

Suddenly, Hermione was love struck. She, being the newly found slut she was, jumped on him and shoved her tongue down his throat.

Hermione left the room with a smile on her face. She was in love. She ran down to the compartment Ginny was in.

She ran in, and, not noticing Ron and Harry, yelled, "Ginny, you won't believe what happened!"

Ginny grinned and yelled, "Did he kiss you!"

**We actually did read something like this in a fic. Ginny had no idea Draco and Hermione we even being CIVIL to each other, let alone making out with each other. Yet she asked if they kissed anyway. Apparently, Ginny is a psychic. **

"Ginny, you are a psychic!"

Ginny grinned (again), "I know."

"Woah, woah, woah," Ron said. "Kissed who? What's going on?"

"Ron, don't be dumb!"

**Ron, who is always dumb, actually, for once, has a right not to know what's going on. **

"Yeah, Ron, how can you NOT know? Everyone knows that Hermione and Draco are destined to make out in the Head Boy/Head Girl Compartment," Harry said, waving his fingers around knowingly, acting like he knew everything.

**Yes, we really need to find a thesaurus. **


	2. What a Beautiful Dorm

Wow guys! Thanks for all the feedback in such little time! We love all the positive feedback, and ideas! You'll probably see them in a few of the following chapters! **If you have a certain cliché you want to see written in here, let us know!**

Emily would like to add, "We just love our fans! And we're going to try and make it longer too! And maybe add some cheesy sound effects as well." Monica would also like you to note that as she says this, she makes some strange hand motions and repeats "CHA CHA!"

Disclaimer: Again, we probably don't own anything, because everyone uses these cheesy plots. Emily would like to point out that we actually do own the song from the last chapter.

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They were at Hogwarts now, because, as most authors agree, after you get to the point when the major occurrence of the trip has occurred (being that Hermione and Draco make out) then there is really nothing more to say about the trip to Hogwarts. So we shall fast forward a bit.

The flaming red transportation mobile with beautiful smoky smoke bubbling from the steam releaser thingamabob pulled into the Hogsmeade station. "CHA CHA!" Went the train.

**Okay, Emily is just crazy and wanted to put in her sound effect, and add lots of descriptive words. **

Hermione and Draco had to wait until everyone but the first years had exited the train. Apparently, Hagrid was now unable to do his job of leading the first years to Hogwarts, and the Head Boy and Head Girl now had to do it. Ignoring the unlikelyness of this, we continue our story.

**Many authors feel it appropriate to have bad spelling and grammar. A lot of them make up words too!**

A random first year came up to the gorgeous hot babe, Hermione and said, "Even thought, we have never met, and I don't even think I would know your name, oh, 'Mione, you're so gorgeous. I love you."

**Because, of course, EVERYONE calls her 'Mione. Didn't you know?**

That set Draco off. He grabbed the small little first year by the front of his robes. "Get off my girl!"

Hermione stared deeply into Draco's grey-blue pools of romance, and said "Draco, I'm all yours baby. You don't ever have to worry."

**Because, of course, Draco has deep grey-blue eyes, and they look lovingly upon Hermione. **

This is the part of the story when Draco and Hermione share a deep embrace. Then, Ron, who suddenly has appeared out of nowhere, jumps on Draco and says, "GET OFF MY GIRL!"

Hermione, who beings to cry in three seconds flat, yells, "Ron! What are you doing? You broke up with me! You broke my heart! My soul! I thought I would never love again! And then Draco, my love, came along, and in two minutes, serenaded my heart, with a beautiful lyrical arrangement!"

And then, Hermione runs away, having Draco follow her. This leaves the poor little first years to stand around in confusion.

Of course, Hermione is able to run all the way to the castle, even though it has been made clear in the books that the castle is on a very steep hill leading from Hogsmeade station.

She goes to her quarters, because she mysteriously knows where they are.

When she gets there, she is surprised to find Draco standing there.

"I couldn't get in without you. We need to make up the password together."

"στήθος κότας. Δείτε επίσης" Hermione said knowingly.

"And what does that mean?" Draco asked.

"I don't know," Hermione said. "Because suddenly, I am uninformed and do not enjoy reading anymore."

**Many authors like to use words that have some ancient meaning. Here, we have a password that means "chicken breast."**

Hermione leaned against the wall after her and Draco had agreed that "στήθος κότας. Δείτε επίσης" would be their password (even though, ya know, neither could pronounce it).

She started to tear up and yelled, "I was beaten as a child! With a toaster! And now, my parents are dead! Death Eaters mysteriously targeted them. At present time, in all stories written, my parents have died 500,269,554,223 times from being murdered by Death Eaters!"

Draco tears up, being the emotion guy he is, "I was beaten too! By my father! With a muggle stereo!"

**Because, of course, they have those. **

And then, Draco and Hermione share another deep embrace. Their pools of romance… er, we already used that, so now we will just call them eyes, stared deeply into each others eyes.

Then they went into their shared common room, because, of course, they were allowed to skip the feast, even though, you know, they're Head Boy/Head Girl and all.

Hermione looked around in awe. The room was decorated in Scarlet, Gold, Silver, and Green. Because, of course, they have time to redecorate for each individual Head Boy/Head Girl.

"Wow," Hermione said in awe. "It's gorgeous."

"You think so?" Draco asked surprised. "This is smaller than my closet."

Hermione stared at him.

"What? My shoes need a lot of room!" Draco yelled tenderly.

"My cousin Samantha, who is from California and buys all of her clothes at hot topic, will love it!"

"Oh, okay." Draco said, not even bothering to ask when her cousin will even see the room.

The two Heads headed off to their own separate rooms. When they got there, they imaged exactly what they wanted their rooms to look like, and then, when they opened their eye, that's exactly what it looked like.

Then they went to sleep.

**Emily would like to point out, "Our story is pure action baby." Monica would also like to say, we were the ones who made up the name Samantha! (Okay, not really). **

They woke up the next morning and had breakfast together in the small kitchen that their dorm seemed to have.

"Oh no!" Draco yelled. "We're late for potions!" Potions is, of course, their first class of the day.

They ran down to potions, where Snape, showing more favoritism to his own house says, "Granger, ten points from Gryffindor." To Draco, he says nothing. Of course.

Everyone was already paired up for the next potion, which will be the most difficult of the year. Except, you know, it's the first day of class.

That left Hermione and Draco to be paired together for the most difficult project of the year. They were going to make Veritserum.

The potion, which apparently is not at all difficult to make, was supposed to take a week to make. Even though, ya know, less difficult potions, such as the Polyjuice Potion, took a month to make.

At the end of class, Snape said, "Ms. Granger, may I speak with you for a moment?"

Hermione felt Draco squeeze her hand under the table.

"It's okay," Draco said, "It'll be okay."

Snape cleared his throat for Hermione to approach him.

"Ms. Granger, this is difficult to tell you but…"

"Aw, hell Snape, cut the crap," Hermione, who was suddenly a rebel and would mouth off to professors all the time.

Snape seemed unaffected and continued. "Ms. Granger, your parents are not your parents."

Hermione, shocked, stared into space with a look of utter shockness on her face.

**And yes. We still need a thesaurus. **


End file.
